How is it that months after the split I am still struggling with hatred?
I thought by now that it would most certainly subside. That with each passing day there’d be less memories, less reminders, less of life that reminded me of his time in my world. I thought that by the time I started enjoying the company of someone new that his impact would be just an afterthought — a footnote to a bitter one-liner in my memoirs. But instead, I sit here full of anger that he is still walking around destroying lives; grateful that he is no longer attempting to destroy mine.
I met a man in December that is everything that he was not. Caring. Kind. Compassionate. And…willing to wait for me to be emotionally ready to enter a relationship. At first, I doubted his intentions and his sincerity. Dude, you don’t even know me and you’re willing to wait on me? Mmmm….okay?
At first, I tried to convince myself that I really was ready — and at times its been abundantly clear that I may not be yet, he’s been patient throughout it all. The fact that I met him so soon after disaster — I consider it a blessing.
The hatred, however, I feel is starting to impede on the “good thing” that I am now experiencing. I know he will never admit or apologize that he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. He will never admit to taking advantage of me, the situation, and perhaps my naivete from time to time. He will never admit to any of his wrongdoings and if there was to be a conversation that would transpire, he would most certainly put all the blame on me.
He had me questioning whether all the things that I do in a relationship were good enough. Whether or not I was good enough to keep a man — because I wasn’t willing to travel the hard road with him. I just wasn’t willing to travel a hard road if there were no attempts at making it better. It’s just that this hate-filled road that I’m on — I’m ready to take an exit.
