this isn’t what I asked for

I am certain I did not sign up for this. When I first started dating J, I did not state that I wanted to be one-half of a dysfunctional long-distance relationship. I have successfully done this in the past — but right now, that is not where my heart is at.

All it took was a short trip to remind me of all the things that speak to my heart. Breakfast in bed. Coffee perfectly made. Lounging on couches. Kissing in hallways. Hugs in the morning. Laughter at the silliness of life. Enjoying the crisp still air. Watching Archer. Planning dinner. Loving (if only momentarily) each other in this moment. All those things made me realize why I love E fully.

After a year of ‘dating’ J, we had not shared the intimate moments that I shared with E in a weekend. I just cannot willingly deny myself of the simple pleasures any longer. I have come to the conclusion that while he is a good guy, he is just not the one for me.

And while it pains me to let go a little, I know I am doing what is best for me. Clearing my heart and mind so it can be open to love, when true love surely finds me.

the words

When the apology comes that you’ve longed to hear, what do you do then? Although I’ve known it for a long time, I was reminded that forgiveness is more for you than the person issuing the apology.

The hatred I had in April has lessened but dealing with him takes more energy than anticipated. I’m not sure what I expected when he showed up at my door with a genuine heartfelt apology complete with tears. But what I didn’t expect was that I was still angry. I thought I had moved on and ‘forgiven’ but the truth is that I had only placed it so far out of my mind.

When it came time to forgive, I was still too angry about the money stolen, the love lost, the dreams destroyed and the chip on my shoulder that I carry into every relationship now.

My current boyfriend and I have had more than our share of issues, and I can’t help but think that they must be related in part to the anger I thought I had rid myself of. It was simply just displaced.

So now, of course, I’m searching for a way to move forward and begin forgiving… because honestly my future depends on it.

hatred

How is it that months after the split I am still struggling with hatred?

I thought by now that it would most certainly subside. That with each passing day there’d be less memories, less reminders, less of life that reminded me of his time in my world. I thought that by the time I started enjoying the company of someone new that his impact would be just an afterthought — a footnote to a bitter one-liner in my memoirs. But instead, I sit here full of anger that he is still walking around destroying lives; grateful that he is no longer attempting to destroy mine.

I met a man in December that is everything that he was not. Caring. Kind. Compassionate. And…willing to wait for me to be emotionally ready to enter a relationship. At first, I doubted his intentions and his sincerity. Dude, you don’t even know me and you’re willing to wait on me? Mmmm….okay? 

At first, I tried to convince myself that I really was ready — and at times its been abundantly clear that I may not be yet, he’s been patient throughout it all. The fact that I met him so soon after disaster — I consider it a blessing.

The hatred, however, I feel is starting to impede on the “good thing” that I am now experiencing. I know he will never admit or apologize that he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. He will never admit to taking advantage of me, the situation, and perhaps my naivete from time to time. He will never admit to any of his wrongdoings and if there was to be a conversation that would transpire, he would most certainly put all the blame on me.

He had me questioning whether all the things that I do in a relationship were good enough. Whether or not I was good enough to keep a man — because I wasn’t willing to travel the hard road with him. I just wasn’t willing to travel a hard road if there were no attempts at making it better. It’s just that this hate-filled road that I’m on — I’m ready to take an exit.

returning

I don’t even know how to come back from my hiatus…so yeah, here I am.

I can’t say that nothing has changed when in fact, everything has changed.

My seasonal job turned permanent. I have health insurance again (whee!). And my doctor’s closest alternative to my birth control pill is one that is chewable (?!?!).

Life is good. Steadily improving. And I haven’t had to save-a-ho recently — not that I would — because as I said before, I’m retiring from that practice.

And I decided to try dating again. I met someone at the end of the year — and while we are still just dating, I’m happy to announce that he has a job and he’s not a junkie. (It’s the little things, right?).

I feel as if I’m in a good spot. Not excellent. Not bad. Just middle of the road and I’m happily enjoying the scenery here. EVERYTHING is looking up and for that I’m grateful.

Now carry on and perhaps there will be some delicious story to write later.