…the way forward…

Watching American Idol is like watching a train wreck being broadcast on live tv. You know it’s wrong to laugh at these people’s horrible singing voices. But you can’t help but wonder who told some of these people they could sing.

The good singers are few and far between. The BAD outnumber the good by FAR.

And then I must watch the ‘State of the Union’ address. Does the president always look so stupid?

When I was younger, I told my mom that I wanted to be president. She asked me what my platform would be. I told her, I would ensure that there was a full-length mirror in every home. I mean surely some of these people would not come out so scantily clad with their fatness rolling over every available inch of fabric if they had to come to grips with reality when they looked in a full-length mirror. (I had a dream, right?)

Earlier today, my internet connection died at work. I couldn’t do anything! I mean, I could…but it made me wonder, what did we do all day before the internet provided work day distractions? I think I actually need distractions in order to complete work during the workday…is that possible?

Well, tomorrow is a new day…

This weekend, I had a “Dear God, it’s me, Margaret” moment.

I guess that’s also known as a “God, why me?” moment.

This weekend was not only the weekend that I chose to become serious about getting my life together and spending a considerable amount of time in church, but it also transpired into an emotionally trying weekend as well. As if the week wasn’t hard enough?

I received a phone calls from a guy I had long considered to be my friend telling me that he couldn’t hang out with me anymore because it was too tempting…he now wants to be with me. Tempting? Now look, I know I’m attractive, but we’ve been friends for over 3 years and now you can’t hang out with me because it’s tempting?!? I’ve hung out with him and his friends. I’ve burped in front of them. I even entered a “who can produce the biggest flame when lighting their own fart” contest. I’ve gone to sporting events, car races (not Nascar — the drag strip), car shows, helped reassemble a car. I’ve been everything but seductive and tantalizing. And now he tells me that he wants to be with me (but if he can’t, then we can’t hang out)…and how all his friends love me.

On some level, I respect his honesty. I mean, he doesn’t want to put us both in an awkward situation, but does three years mean ABSOLUTELY nothing to him?

So I went to church and I prayed, “God why did you make me attractive?” I mean, if I was less good-looking then maybe my happy-boy-friend land would still be intact, right?

I lamented this to my grandfather who just looked at me and told me a joke.

I will paraphrase this as I’m not good at storytelling or joke re-telling for that manner.

A man asked God why he made his wife so beautiful.

God replied, “That’s easy — so you would marry her.”

He then asked God, “but why’d you make her so dumb.”

God replied, “well, that’s easy too. So she’d marry you.”

At that point, I just looked at my grandfather and said, “God’s a funny old man isn’t he?!”

And he said to me, “Why yes, darling, He is.”

I wonder if a selfish Friday turns into a selfish weekend? I don’t really care right now because I have determined that it’s all about me.

Yep. I’m SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH. But I need it right now. I’ve been so concerned with the needs of others and trying to please and satisfy those around me that I haven’t taken any time out for myself.

I first noticed the change in myself about 7 months ago. I just was not the happily, bubbly person that I normally am. I didn’t jump out of bed happy that the sun was shining. I stayed in bed until the last possible moment and then slowly went into work. I lost the pep in my step.

It’s taken my boss the whole entire 7 months to realize that I was not happy…and then he tried to blame the situation on the fact that I’ve been in a long distance relationship. Relationship or not, I would’ve been unhappy anyway…my job is draining me of my joy and I just don’t like what it’s doing to me!

So today, I told off my boss. Told him that I was just completely disgusted at the way things were going on in the office and he told me that I needed to “watch my attitude.” I told him that it’s hard to keep your attitude in check when you have people talking down to you in such a degrading fashion and you have to suck it up and be nice. (These people in question are his daughter and son-in-law.)

I’ve decided that I’m going to end the day on a selfish note. Doing only what I want to do, talking to only who I want to talk to. (I’ve sent out my resume to perhaps my whole entire city.) Not only do I need a job, I just need out of this environment. It’s hard to do good work when you HATE your job.

Here’s to hoping that someone finds my resume likable and that I’ll receive some phone calls next week. Have a good weekend ya’ll…I’m sure I’ll be doing my fair share of imbibing.

It’s Thursday and I’m not doing Half-Nekkid this week. (I’m not wearing a bra right now, does that count for anything?)…hehe.

Anyway, I stole this quiz from Cincysundevil (a new blog I’m reading…yay!):

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 90% Wonder Woman 75% Supergirl 70% Spider-Man 65% Iron Man 50% The Flash 50% Robin 47% Green Lantern 45% Batman 45% Hulk 30% Catwoman 20%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

I’m SUPERMAN!!!! YAY!!! Bet you never would’ve guessed that was my alter-ego.

He brought a smile to my face last night. A goofy smile too.

He left a message on my voicemail and it started out much like usual. The “hi, give me a call back,” but then he began to ramble. It was as if he forgot the reason why he was calling or he just wanted to talk but didn’t have much to say.

He fumbled around for words for what seemed like eternity and I gave up, saved the message and decided to just call him back. I had wanted to talk to him anyway.

Afterwards, I decided to listen to the message. I made it through the boring parts…and then, as if he finally got up the courage to say what he was attempting to say the whole message, he said, “I miss you.”

Sometimes it’s nice knowing that you’re missed and that someone’s thinking of you. Even if it’s just your older cousin.

Some people thought it would never happen…but I’ve fallen in love…

With a car…


(At least I know the owner, right?)

Is it wrong to make love to a car?

I suppose I should show you the car…


Don’t be jealous…cuz she’s mine…well not really, but I get first dibs if she suddenly becomes single….

Ready?

Introducing, my friend Jay’s car…

Damn she’s fine….

(The Infiniti G35 Coupe…someone go buy me one…)

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I wonder why it is that when I decided I might step away from HNT I’ve ended up taking more and more pictures of myself. I think it was just the weekly pressure of trying to find a picture every week…and well, now, I just don’t care.

Anyway…this is a picture of me this morning before I rolled out of bed. Yes — the most you’re ever going to get of me in the morning is one eyeball! I love this pic, probably because one of my ex-boyfriends immediately described my hair as “deliciously messy.” Yep…that’s me!!!

And for everyone who comes here for other things besides the devastatingly beautiful pictures of myself (nope, not stuck on myself at all — just confident) — I reached a level of happiness yesterday that I have never experienced before…and it’s, well, simply amazing.

“True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” — Helen Keller

Happy HNT Ya’ll….To find out what HNT is all about…visit Osbasso’s site! (I’m too lazy to add the icon this week…)

Here it is, the 18th of January, and I’ve just arrived at the point where I’m going to make some New Year’s Resolutions. Gone are the days when I promised to work out and be healthy. I don’t care what anyone else says, I believe there’s a fat kid inside of me trying to eat his way out…or my grandma may be right…I just love food…I love to eat…and I’m going to keep doing it until I actually start to gain some weight in some unsightly places.

Already 2006 has proven to be one heck of a year. In other words, (God please don’t accept this as a challenge!), I don’t believe it could get much worse. I mean, if the past 17 days are any indication of what 2006 is going to be, can I just fast forward to 2007? Likely, the rough patches that I’ve experienced thus far means that I still have a lot to learn…it’s another learning year for me.

A friend of mine’s mother had a heart attack this weekend. He’s been struggling with it since him and his mother have a very strained relationship. They don’t really talk at all. His father passed when he was younger — and all of a sudden with the news of his mother, it hit him…that he’s still fairly young and he could be without any parents.

As hard as it hit him, it hit me also as my relationship with my father has been less than perfect. In fact, I don’t believe we’ve had a civilized conversation in 8 years. I’ve tried countless times to talk to him rationally, but it always fails and get off the phone feeling even more discouraged than I did before. However, I don’t want to end up in the same place that my friend is at right now…with a parent sick, potentially dying, before we can actually be civil and respectable to each other.

So my one resolution is to try again to open the lines of communication with my father…

I don’t need more than one resolution this year, I figure that one is enough.

When my ex (Mike) and I broke up, I knew it was over beforehand. It just took catching my ‘friend’ giving him head in his truck to realize that I wasn’t mistaken.

It was at that point that I realized my own strength. To this day, I’m not really sure how I made it through the weeks, months and years after that without being incredibly bitter or angry. I’m not exactly sure how when he broke up (briefly) with his fiancee (yep, they’re still together) that I found the strength to listen to him sob uncontrollably, stay up all hours of the night talking him out of depression and all things related just trying to talk some sense into him. I’m not sure why I’m not mad at him now.

I guess maybe that’s what happens when you meet a guy and he announces, “Hi. My name is Mike and I’m an a**hole.” To which I responded, “Hey, I’m Anita…and I’m a b*tch.” From day one, the ground rules were established. We talked sh*t to each other, some people might have said we were downright rude…but he was the only one who could keep up with me, witty insult for insult and not take it personally. It was a nice balance.

At some point, I realized that our relationship just wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t that he wasn’t a nice guy at times. (He’s definitely an a**hole. His own self-analysis was not wrong!) I just realized that he didn’t fit into the category of men that I could perceivably see myself spending the rest of my life with. He just wasn’t ‘the one.’ (Though I don’t really believe in ‘the one’ anymore, per se.) And when I realized that he wasn’t going to be the one for me in the long run, I just wasn’t upset over the idea/blatant reality of losing him. Seeing some other girl give him head was actually a relief. It was finally over.

Last night, I met up with him, his fiancee, and another mutual friend for the first time in years. We hadn’t all been in the same room since that eventful night. She thought, perhaps rightly so, that I hated her. (I mean, any other woman in my shoes probably would have hated her.) And for the first time, she apologized.

I’m sitting here right now trying to figure out what that apology actually means to me. I had forgiven her years ago. Almost immediately after it happened. In fact, probably if we would have still been ‘friends’ I would’ve thanked her for getting me out of what was becoming a relationship out of comfort…neither party being aggressive enough to end it. (He definitely ended it in a cowardly way.) But after her apology, she asked me how I could handle the situation so well. Honestly, I have no idea. I think because I just knew it was over. That Mike and I weren’t meant to be. That in a romantic sense, he just didn’t mean that much to me. It was over — and I was perfectly okay with that.

We’ve discussed hanging out again after last night. The dynamic of our group of friends provides a night full of entertainment. We always plan on making it an early night and then end up closing the place down. I became somewhat nostalgic, missing the nights we had spent doing this many years before. I’m just not the same girl that I was before…

It was nice to catch up to see everyone doing well, most of us semi-successful. It was nice being able to laugh, talk sh*t, be competitive while playing pool. It was nice.

But it was also nauseating to watch my ex’s fiancee’ all over him every time he actually said anything to me like she was begging for his attention.

Yep, I can definitely pass on those moments…and I likely will.