…the way forward…

Without much therapy, I’ve discovered why I detest the month of June so much. Subconsciously, the month of June is also known as the month of Vegas. The month that the WSOP (World Series of Poker) starts. So we all know where my boyfriend is at the moment. In Vegas, playing poker all d*mn day and I’m sitting here slaving away at my job and waiting for a call from him.

The three hour time difference while he’s gone is enough to drive me crazy. I’m not a teenager anymore, so the three a.m. phone calls don’t even faze me. Well, they don’t faze me because I simply don’t hear them anymore.

Well, this trip, because I don’t go with him, always makes me feel a little deserted. It’s not that I begin to doubt whether or not he cares about me. Rationally, I know that he does, but it only takes a few days for irrational thoughts to begin to creep in. Not so much, “what the hell is he doing?” but more along the lines of, “all he has to do is call and leave a f*cking message. Why hasn’t he called? I hope he chokes on a crab leg at the d*mn buffett.”

I’ve tried to maintain my composure this year, as last year, I freaked out on him, sent him the world’s most hateful letter/email. (I was so pissed that I not only took the time to write a 4 page letter — not Aaliyah style — scanned it into my computer since I was impatient about the post office, and then mailed the hard copy.) Needless to say, we broke up and I thought we wouldnt ever get back together. This year, I made it past those initial crazy days with all my irrational thoughts and just turned off my phone. I didn’t want to leave him a hateful message and I didn’t want to be evil to him if he happened to call.

Finally, Tuesday night, I sat here — in quite a lovely mood — and I actually wrote him an email. One that never directly said,”you made me feel like sh*t this past week,” but one that said how much I appreciated the things that he does (not that he’s done some of them lately, but I figured he’d get the point.) And let me tell you, he’s the smartest man in the world. He called me that night (late) and I didn’t answer the phone. He left a message apologizing for the things he knows gets to me, and telling me how much he appreciates me. Wha?? Me?? You’re thinking of me in Vegas?? *I believe I might faint* haha…that’s enough of my sappy love story right now.

I’m beginning to think that I expect too much out of people. Especially when it comes to honesty. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be honest. You don’t have to look good or have any special skills. It only requires one thing; to tell the truth at all times. I guess that’s why I don’t understand why it’s so difficult.

I’m one of those people. Honest to my own detriment at times. The person you whisper in the background about, why can’t she just keep her mouth shut? I speak exactly what’s on my mind. You might say, I was raised that way.

So I’ve come to expect that from others. To be honest. In everything. To keep it real. To do what they say they are going to do. That last part seems to be particularly hard for people, and the one that I get burned on every time.

I don’t ask much of people. I don’t ever ask people to make promises. I just ask them to keep their word. If you said you’re going to call me, you should. After all, I didn’t ask you to. And if you didn’t think you were going to be able to do it, you should’ve just told me that you’d try…yeah I’m venturing on another line of thought and it’s intensely personal.

So right now, I’m angry. Angry at the fact that though someone can seem so honest in every other aspect of life — they just don’t get the one thing that is most important to me. The one thing that I think is so incredibly simple. Just to do what they said they would do. And I wonder if I will ever find someone who can do just that.

What is it about June that makes people think of love and weddings? I have a wedding to attend every weekend this month, and only 13 days in, I’ve had about an equal amount of people ask me when my boyfriend and I are getting married.

Married? We have yet to live in the same damn State!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to marriage. I just don’t see me doing the whole marriage thing anytime soon. I almost messed up once thankyouverymuch, and I’m not in a hurry to repeat the same mistake. (Not that I think marrying the boyfriend would be a mistake — but I’m more along the lines of, ‘let’s not rush into marital bliss right now, okay?’)

We haven’t really discussed it. I don’t have any signs of an impending marriage. He hasn’t been down on bended knee. I’ve seen no signs of a ring. There hasn’t even been a glimmer of diamond dust on my finger. But that doesn’t stop my stressed out mother from yelling out to me in the middle of planning my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary, “you can’t get married this year!! *pause* well if you do, it HAS to be after September.” Seriously mom, you don’t have to fret.

Let it be known that my ideal wedding takes place in Vegas, impromptu style, and we have McFlurries instead of wedding cake. My ideal proposal is him waking up in the morning, looking over at me with messy hair and asking me, ‘wanna get married today?’ and me responding, ‘yeah, that sounds cool.’

And who knows if that will happen or not. I mean, meeting a guy who would rather elope than invite family is going to be difficult enough, but a girl can dream and it’s just an “ideal” scenario anyway. Disregard the fact that the boyfriend and I love to travel to Vegas and we have an upcoming trip. I guess anything can happen.

When I was growing up, my mother helped me develop a healthy dose of self-confidence. I’m not snobby or anything, but I am very self-aware.

Last night, one of my ex’s made his presence known at the club. I was cordial, made polite conversation, and then he asked me if I’d like to go back to his place later. I refused. Well, not in a mean way. Just very direct. He asked why, and I told him I had a boyfriend. He asked if he wasn’t good enough for me. I said, that wasn’t it, I was just in a committed relationship. And immediately, his song and dance routine changed.

Suddenly, I became ugly. I wasn’t sexy anymore. No one ever thought I was attractive. He only initially talked to me because he felt “sorry” for me. No one would ever want me.

Now perhaps, this trick would’ve worked on some woman who didn’t have an ounce of self-confidence about her, but I think he forgot what kind of woman he was talking to. Now, I’m also very self-aware. I know my flaws and I hide them well. I know that I’m not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I’m well aware that I’m not the ugliest. Truth be told, I describe myself as average…it takes my boyfriend to describe me as something different.

I couldn’t understand, and I still don’t, how his bruised ego made him want to bring me down. Just because I don’t want to go home with him, I’m sure there’s some other girl out there who does. But just talking to him, even though there wasn’t any real reason for our break up, other than I grew tired of the relationship, made me realize that I’m so much better off without him…and maybe like he suggested, he just isn’t good enough.

*Thanks everyone for your comments and support. Things are beginning to get better.*

It’s been crazy over here, hence the reason I haven’t posted anything this week. My good friend’s boyfriend was killed in a car accident on Monday night and that hasn’t left me much time to do anything but think. It’s common to say, “life’s too short,” but the reality in that statement is we don’t really know how short life really is going to be for us. He was only 26.

She’s in a crazy position. His family, though from here, is not helping her with anything. Funeral arrangements, coping, etc. She’s only 25. And at 25, after just being proposed to, the last thing she ever imagined having to do was plan his funeral…maybe 40 years from now, but not now.

So in a nutshell, I’ve just been the friend, who has set there with her, penning out the last minute details, checking in on her to make sure everything’s okay, but I haven’t really had much to say. What can you say in a situation like this? Is there anything proper to say anyways?

So if I’ve stepped away from my blog until sometime next week you know why. I’m taking the time to do all the things I set out to do yesterday, I’m enjoying each day to the fullest, I’m refusing to go to bed mad, I’m talking instead of screaming and yelling, and I’m telling those closest to me how much they really mean to me…because life really can be quite short.

…I give you another HNT pic.

Why don’t you go out and get yourself some chocolate? Happy HNT!!!