…the way forward…

For years, I had a list…well maybe not a list…but four things that any potential man that I was going to date must have. In light of recent circumstances, an amendment must be made.

Amendment I: Two adults and a Great Dane will not sleep comfortably in a Queen size bed.

That’s just in case you didn’t know that before.

For that matter, Two adults and a dog any bigger than a chihuahua will not fit comfortably in a Queen size bed, especially if you’re into cuddling.

With that said — men, please buy your dog their own bed. Nothing kills your sex life more than having a bed full of puppy fur and then expecting a woman to lay down in it.

No, I am not stuck up or pretentious, but anyone who has pets know that the hair sticks EVERYWHERE…and I don’t know how probable it is, but I don’t want animal fur in my….well you get the point.

**Don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I don’t even let children sleep in my bed until they can keep their feet, legs, and hands in one general area. I don’t like waking up with toes in my nose or puppy paws in my back.**

It has come to my attention that men and women have different views of clubbing. Most men look at clubbing as going into an establishment where there’s a dance floor and presumably they serve drinks in the hopes of enticing an attractive woman to go home with them. In the case that that doesn’t work, they bring out their clubs, beat her over the head and drag her away.

Women on the other hand, think of clubbing as a “night out with the girls.” An evening of drinks and dancing. Maybe slip a guy or two a phone number, but usually it’s fake, and if it is the “real” number, they are DRUNK and not liable for what they do.

It is because of these two variations in thought that I have almost sworn off clubbing altogether.

Last night, I go out with a girlfriend of mine to the club — just having a great night. We’re dancing, laughing, drinking — and then we spot this cutie from across the room.

He comes over and starts a conversation (albeit it was a quick one) and turns to me to say, “I love you. You’re going to be my wife.” At which point, I answered with a very loud, “huh?” He says it again, “You’re going to marry me.”

Having no common sense or any tact, I laugh hysterically but he continues to pursue a conversation with me.

We talk for some time, and even if he wasn’t genuine, he got my attention so I reward the attention getter with a phone number.

And then he gets downright strange and I want to take my number back. He calls me and wants me to come over to “cuddle.” Obviously, he didn’t read my blog. I’m abstaining, remember?

Soon after this conversation, I see a guy that I had prayed that I’d never run into again. A guy who tried to cop a feel while I was driving when I was 18 and I kicked him out of my car when he was about 5 miles from his house and made him walk home in the cold.

It was funny because he definitely remembered me…details and everything. And all he could say was, “that girl (insert real name here) is definitely a stunner.” (Anyone mind translating that for me? Is it a good thing?)

All in all, it was a good night. Haven’t talked to the marriage proposal guy today but I don’t really expect to. After all, I’m saving myself for this man.

Besides the fact that I’m trying to adopt a new healthy life style (i.e. working out, not drinking or smoking — though I never smoked anyway) I have decided to abstain. Yep. My pants stay on. (Partially because WDKY is too far away anyway.)

I’m abstaining because men are stupid. Sorry if I offend. It’s just that the men around here, or perhaps men in general, are too damn simple-minded to understand even the simplest things. I told a guy I wasn’t interested in a relationship with him, maybe just a casual friendly encounter (we’re adults here, why is this so hard?) and lo and behold, two weeks later (thank goodness I didn’t sleep with him) he’s saying how he really wants to BE with me, in a RELATIONSHIP. I wanted to scream…I know I informed you of what I wanted, and you agreed!!!

And it’s not just that, ex-boyfriend and new acquaintances have all started running that same lame game sh*t on me, claiming that they want to “date” me and be in a “relationship.” I’m not so easily fooled…so that’s it. I’m abstaining until I’m married or WDKY comes to visit. Whichever comes first. After all, isn’t that what sex toys were created for anyhow?

My posts are infrequent because I seldom feel like writing when I get home and I get up too early in the morning to go to the gym and quite honestly I run out of time before I have to go to work.

Yes, I am a workout fiend. I love the gym and I only missed one day this week. Huzzah!

And I’m beginning to get excited. My Arizona trip is only 2 weeks away. I have no expectations of this trip unlike the last time. I’m just going to enjoy myself and get away from my town. Sometimes, you just need to leave and come back in order to gain a fresh perspective on things…at least that’s my plan.

Oh well, I’m definitely feeling this video that’s kind of old….

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Yesterday morning, I went to the gym and I briskly walked 2.5 miles. The amazing part is that I never even got tired! I didn’t ache. NOTHING!

This of course is amazing because after one session with Jabari (the personal trainer from hell, ex-marine f*cker — did I say that?) I was sore for THREE days afterwards. I forced myself to head back into the gym on Monday and did 2 miles and then Wednesday, I did 2.5 and I felt energized, refreshed and excited (not to mention sweaty and gross). I wanted to shower quickly but I also wanted to push myself and see how far I could go before I got tired.

Scary huh? I’m turning into the exercise fiend I was in high school…running over 3 miles a day and then making comments like, “I feel so beat, but soooo amazing.” Watch out now — the sexy Diva is about to be unleashed.

Yes, I finally did the unthinkable. I signed up for a gym. I always said I wouldn’t do that, that I could develop a personal exercise program by myself, but I know that’s just a lie. Motivating myself is hard and well, shelling out 30 bucks a month, makes it just a tad bit easier.

I live only about 2 minutes away from the gym if I’m driving and about 7 if I’m walking. I pass it about 4 times a day. Needless to say, if I don’t go, I’m going to feel very guilty passing it and heading over to Chick-fil-a.

Tomorrow I meet with my personal trainer (I got the ugly one…should that dissappoint me?), who is supposed to help me with my personal goals. My goals are as follow: look good in one month. Why? Because I’m going to visit a special friend in the land of beautiful people — Phoenix, Arizona. I swear, I felt like the ugly duckling the last time I was out there…maybe I wasn’t — but I felt like it at times.

So that gives me about 30 days (I’m supposed to be leaving on October 6th) to get my act right? Will I succeed? Who knows — but of course, I’ll keep you posted on my progress. After all, I’ve been lacking good blog fodder for a while — perhaps this will make for something interesting.